¡UNIVERSAL FREAK!

22 December 2009 @ 07:11 pm

Well this evening I received the rather unsettling news that my friend Justine was beaten up within the past couple of days. My friend Seth says he saw her at the club on Sunday night, hanging out with some shady guy who really looked like he didn't belong there. He was concerned, but decided not to interfere. Apparently Justine woke up in the hospital because said dude beat her to a pulp, I have no idea why. I'm really angry, sad and upset for two reasons: One, my friend was badly beaten by some asshole for no reason whatsoever. Duh. Of course that upsets me. What the fuck? Really...why? I guess that's a pointless question to ask, stupid terrible shit happens all the fucking time and for no reason, too. Even if there was some sort of reason, he never should have touched her. I have no idea where she is right now, if she's still in the hospital or if she's been let go, Seth said she's probably with Shane (her boyfriend) and he gave me his number but apparently Shane's phone must be off so I'll have to try again later. And two... Justine would apparently rather hang out with seedy, shady guys who'll end up beating her to a pulp than have anything to do with me. She hasn't talked to me for weeks on end (sound familiar?), doesn't return my texts or calls, not even to say she's busy, and she has a long track record of periodically ignoring me. Seth is under the impression that we're still friends, but I don't know, and I wouldn't know, would I, because she won't talk to me. We pinky promised, in front of the Denver Public Library, to be best friends, and guess what? Apparently that pinky promise, that small, innocent bond of trust and truth, meant less to her than it did to me. For fuck's sake, she talks more to her fucking drug guy than she talks to me. Maybe if I were her drug guy, she would suddenly have a reason to want to talk to me every now and then, but I'm not. I guess I'm not "seedy" enough, not "dangerous" enough, not "bad" enough for her to want to have anything to do with me. And that's fine, whatever. Something direct would have been nice, like "Anna, I just don't want to talk to you or hang out with you after all". But people rarely are ever that truthful with one another. I was in a pretty good, or at least neutral, mood before I found out all this news, and upon walking home from the library I came to the realization that Justine really would rather hang out with terrible guys who beat her up than even say "hi, what's up" to me every once in a while. I mean, I still would like to see her, make her a casserole or something to help out and offer my condolences, but now I'm not so certain if I should see her. Seth may say that we're still friends as far as he knows (she talks to Seth a lot more often than she does to me), but her actions are telling me otherwise and its now abundantly clear that I am not a "cool" enough person for her to want to hang out with or talk to. Being a "safe" and "good" person really doesn't have its perks. It really makes me feel sad, but that's just how people are. It seems like everybody on the goddamned planet that I actually want to do things with and build a relationship with has a perfectly reasonable explanation for ignoring me. Or would, if they had the decency to let me know what that perfectly reasonable explanation actually is. I guess I should just take that as my cue: I'm the common denominator, so I guess that makes me a problem. Whenever I get into this "Oh yeah? Well, fuck you too. In fact, fuck everyone and everything" attitude because of something that happens in my life, I tend to curl up in a social-less sphere and quietly damn the world into extinction. That asshole should never have even harmed a hair on her head. If I ever run into him one day, he's going to hurt. Probably. I might be too busy to sadistically torture someone who deserves it by the time I find him. Justine has a tendency to dance with danger, though, and even though that doesn't mean in the slightest that she deserved to be beaten up, I have to say I'm actually not too surprised that it happened. I'm certain she'll be okay, she's got Shane taking care of her (he actually is a "cool" enough person, as well), and she has Seth to talk to, so she doesn't need me. Its unfortunate; if we had been hanging out together, I would have made sure this didn't happen because I would have been watching over her.

Well, my day was going pretty well until this happened, now its turned kinda shitty, so I think I'm gonna try to forget about all the stupid people in the world and just curl up and read or nap or play sudoku or all three.

This Is How I'm Feeling: crushed

crushed

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17 December 2009 @ 05:04 pm

Fall 09 Final Grades

w00t!

Would have been happy with another A or two, but, ya know... Its pretty good.

Tags: school

This Is Where I'm At: library

This Is How I'm Feeling:

accomplished

Musick: Oingo Boingo, "No One Lives Forever!"

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10 December 2009 @ 07:11 pm

December's Manifesto (originally written December 4th)

This month, after finals are over, I am going to find myself.

This journey will require thought, preparation, and perseverance. This will be a journey into the heart of what matters; this will be a journey into my heart and mind. This will be a journey of truth, love, freedom, and beauty. This will be a spiritual journey of intellect and emotion, intelligence and violence, creativity and destruction and revolution and revelation. During this time alone I will write, and I will draw; I will meditate and dream, I will learn what the Universe wants to teach me. I will be mindful of space and time, of past, present, and future. I will be unaided and untouched by outside influences; I will face my fears and deal with them appropriately. I will cleanse myself, both inside and out. I will be mindful of my states of consciousness. I will designate times to absorb information from the outside world, to read and listen to music and look at art; and times to pour out the information from me to the outside world, to write and draw and paint. I will keep in mind that, of these two honorable endeavors, it is more important and beneficial to pour out the information from me to the outside world: as the Water Bearer needs to gather the water in her jar from somewhere, it is more important and beneficial, and she is most well-known for this, to pour out that abundance of water onto the places that need it most. For the Water Bearer is best well-known for the gesture of pouring water out than gathering water in; it is through this gift of giving that she is best loved and remembered, and she is doing the most good. This is what will give her wings.

During this journey I will be sure to be minimally aware of the outside world, my troubles, worries, and concerns. I must be pure at this time. Time will have limited meaning to me. This is a time of manifestation, a time of construction. This is the time to shine. This time will last from the end of finals until the beginning of the next semester. There is much to be done during this time. I will consciously and heartily dedicate any given day to this journey. I will be careful to not choose my settings at a time that will interfere with family, friends, or school. I will not over-analyze my situation with Brian, but will assume an optimistic attitude no matter what. If it is necessary to think about him, I will only think positively. I will eat well, drink well, clean up well, dress well. I will find myself. In doing this, I will be laying a foundation. I must lay down the foundation for my life, because in the future I will accomplish things that I could not have done had I not prepared a foundation for them in my youth, now. I am also laying a foundation for the future of humanity, for the things I do and the ideas I conceive may not have their full effect in my lifetime, or perhaps even for hundreds of years. I have a duty to fulfill.

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10 December 2009 @ 02:39 pm

Things

I wish I could read every book in the world. I think that every time I walk through a bookstore or a library. I maintain my desire to be a vampire mostly so that I could do everything that I could possibly want to do, with time and energy to spare.

I finished my last final exam today. I think I did pretty well on all of them, perhaps even the Symbolic Logic exam. But we'll see about that. I am really glad that finals are over.

Brian contacted me on Myspace a couple of days ago, ironically about two hours after I wrote the last post on this blog. A short note, but a heartening one. I wonder if he knew that I talked to his dad on the phone that day. His note says he can't explain things right now, but promises that I will hear from him soon, and he loves me. I feel a lot better knowing that he doesn't hate me or not want to talk to me. I admit that harrowing possibilities were starting to enter my mind that would not have otherwise had there not been such disjointed communication between us for so long. I am concerned about him, I hope he's okay, or as okay as he can be given the issues he's dealing with in his life right now. I wish there was more I could do, but actually now that I've had lots of time to think to myself for a while, I can't help but wonder if my presence in his life is actually making things more difficult for him. I love him more than anybody else in the world right now, and it would be very selfish of me to pretend that my chaotic energies aren't affecting him. As impatient as I have been in the past seven weeks, I've known all along that the best thing I could do would be to patiently leave him be, and I haven't really been doing that very well. Aside from the things he is dealing with, he has two children of his own, and it would be selfish of me to not think about them, too. I'll share my thoughts with him once we're actually speaking with each other again.

The past two days I've been reading a book called Flesh Machine. Actually, its entirely in PDF format, and I think the chapters are individual essays. It was written in 1998 by Critical Art Ensemble, "a collective of five tactical media practitioners of various specializations" exploring "the intersections between art, critical theory, technology, and political activism", according to their website. Sweet, just my kind of people. Their writings are very interesting, albeit a little difficult to understand at first without a proper schema with which to integrate their ideas. I need my inspiration for my own writings that I will soon produce.

Tags: brian

This Is Where I'm At: Auraria

This Is How I'm Feeling: nerdy

nerdy

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07 December 2009 @ 03:15 pm

Burning

Every night I burn, waiting for the world to end. ~The Cure

Its quarter after 3PM. About fifteen minutes ago I called Brian's number and finally got a family member on the phone, his dad. He says he hasn't seen Brian for two weeks, and apparently he doesn't know much more about his situation than I do. I asked if Brian got my letters, and apparently Terry did give him the envelope with my letters in it. I thanked him for the information, explaining that I haven't seen Brian in seven weeks and that I wasn't sure if I was the only person being kept in the dark. Apparently his family has seen him relatively recently, but I guess they don't know much about what's going on with him, which seems a little hard to believe. So he is ignoring me. He knows I want him to contact me, and yet he's not. This changes things. He's shut me out. Apparently he's shutting out everyone who cares about him, not just me. I don't really know what to think or feel. I feel numb. This little bit of information does relieve some anxiety, even though its not a complete explanation. But it is abundantly clear, he is shutting me out, he doesn't want anything to do with me right now. I wonder how I will feel about that when I'm not feeling emotionally numb anymore. I guess I'm really on my own. I had a feeling this would happen. Of course, I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Anything could happen. I knew there was a reason why I despise humans. I guess now I can relax a bit, albeit a little unsettled by this news, and get used to the idea of being alone again. I'm just going to have to deal with it. I'm better off on my own, after all. I should just stop fighting my introverted nature and go with the solitary flow. It can't rain all the time, right?

This Is How I'm Feeling: numb

numb

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06 December 2009 @ 07:11 pm

Randomness

THIS POST
Is going to be very random indeed.

Things have been alright lately. Went to Mimi's Cafe with mom for lunch on Friday, I love that restaurant. Yesterday was spent studying and writing. I'm currently in the library right now, I just finished writing the thank-you notes for my teachers this semester. I should go home and study. Finals week is this week, yipee. :/ (yeah, right) Hmm, what else. After eating at Mimi's and running errands I took mom over to Daniel's Park so that when I talk to her about it she'll know what I'm talking about. Its perhaps the last little bit of nature that Highlands Ranch has left. Its perched atop a little plateau, one of the little hills that Colorado has dotted throughout it, but not quite a foothill. From up there you can see a whole expanse of the Front Range. Its gorgeous. I took some pictures and a panoramic video, but they all for some reason appear really overexposed. I messed with the camera settings at the time, but nothing really worked to fix it. It was cold and I didn't want to be there for too long, so I just took some pictures anyways, although they really aren't the best. I'll have to go back some other time and document it before the land all disappears. Lately my life has been a cycle of study-think-weed-sleep. Marijuana is great, but I really should slow it down a little, I wanted it to last for a long time. I go through phases where I won't smoke at all for months on end, and then smoke it a lot for a few months. And I really shouldn't be talking about this in public, but I don't give a fuck. I make no apologies for the way I live my life. And reading vandweller blogs. They're quite amazing, the people who vandwell tend to always be interesting people. I wish I was living in a van right now, but that will have to wait a little longer. Still no word from Brian, but I'm getting tired of posting about him. I don't really want people to think I'm depressed all the time. Just not a whole lot has been going on in my life these days. I'm trying to figure out my academic situation, I think I mentioned on here before that I'm changing my career direction a little. Well, its never as easy as you first think it will be. Aside from the fact that the process takes quite some critical thinking, the field I want to get into is just generally considered weird by people. Really? Artificial Intelligence? And no matter how I explain it, people never seem to understand WHY that's what I want to get into. There's a whole lot of "reasons" why, and I don't even feel like explaining them right here right now, its too long and too complicated. I AM planning, though, after finals are done, to spend the time in between the end of this semester and the beginning of the spring semester holed-up in a burrow of mad creative and intellectual production. That is, I'll cut myself off from the outside world, for the most part, and write and draw and paint and meditate. A spiritual journey, of sorts. I've written it out in a manifesto of sorts and I'll probably type it out and post it in the next few days. Anyways, I've got to get studying, because I really do have finals coming up, they aren't just a part of my imagination like I would like them to be.

Mmm...pizza.

Sometimes, this is all you need.

( DANIEL'S PARK +7 )

This Is How I'm Feeling: hopeful

hopeful

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01 December 2009 @ 07:11 pm

A decision has been made

I'm sitting in Leela's right now with Richard, and everywhere I look I suddenly think of Brian. That's the biggest problem with creating memories with the person you love in the places you love: if things turn for the worst, or even just simply drop off, there are reminders of that person everywhere you go, everywhere you look. I keep thinking, if Brian were here with me right now, we'd be hanging out here and everything would be fine. We'd be happy and together and having fun and building memories.

What do you do when you miss somebody so much that you don't know what to do? What do you think when things just suddenly stop, as though the world has stopped spinning, and its the world that you guys have created together, not the whole rest of the world? What are you supposed to feel when life goes on but just one large part of you is stagnant? What should you assume about a situation you know nothing about? What can you expect to be said when there has been nothing but silence for so long? Questions of this nature plague my mind. I don't know how best to answer them. Its been six weeks to the day since I last heard from him. I hope this doesn't go on for much longer. I've decided, I think, that if he does not contact me by New Year's, then our relationship is done. Friends and friends only it will be if this happens. I hate giving ultimatums, but I also equally hate being ignored. Now I have to figure out how to tell him this. Hopefully he'll be in touch with me soon, and then it won't even be an issue.

Tags: brian

This Is Where I'm At: Leela's

This Is How I'm Feeling:

nostalgic

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30 November 2009 @ 07:11 pm

Get busy, child!

I don't feel like writing much at the moment, but I figured while I've got the internet handy I'll post a few sketches I did over the fall break, just to prove to myself and the rest of the world (lol) that I'm not an anxious, resentful mess:

( LOOK, STUFF! )

This Is How I'm Feeling: okay

okay

Musick: The Crystal Method

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27 November 2009 @ 07:11 am

Not Letting What We've Built Up Crumble To Dust

Fragile
Like a baby in your arms
Be gentle with me
I'd never willingly
Do you harm

But just like a child
You make me smile
When you care for me
And you know...

It's a question of lust
It's a question of trust
It's a question of not letting
What we've built up
Crumble to dust
It is all of these things and more
That keep us together

Tags: brian, depeche mode

This Is How I'm Feeling:

listless

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24 November 2009 @ 07:11 pm

(no subject)

WHAT....THE....HELL.

Was the first thing that went through my mind when I read the above message.
I just got this message from Brian TONIGHT, on MySpace (which I haven't logged into for like a month), and I'm feeling a little peeved. MySpace is like the LAST thing I would excpet Brian to contact me through, because he doesn't get on the computer very often. Who knows when he'll log on next and get to read my message (the one on the top). Obviously, he hasn't been in touch with me since he wrote this, but I guess this something really is better than nothing, which is what I've been getting all along. Really, though, is this all the explanation I'm going to get? I've been rather patient and understanding for the past five weeks, but in the past week or two my optimism has been starting to wear thin. Am I expecting too much to want to be communicated with? Am I the only person who thinks that its rather odd to suddenly not hear from someone for a month when before you had been talking to them every day? I mean, I knew things were going to be difficult for a while, but.... I guess I wasn't expecting to hear nothing at all from him for weeks on end. I've been wondering if I have a right to feel peeved, or if I'm not being very understanding by feeling such an emotion. The result has been an odd mixture of patience and understanding and anger and frustration. Truth be told, the past five weeks have been very lonely without him. School has been going very well, but, oh, what the fuck happened to Brian? I don't know, he hasn't called me in X number of weeks. Oh, that's too bad, maybe this reason, maybe that reason, maybe he'll call you soon. Yeah, right. Having to explain this to my friends, and having to answer them when they ask "Have you heard from Brian yet?" has only added to my rising vexation. No, I answer sheepishly, I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know what's going on, and his family is absolutely no help at all when it comes to informing me. Oh, that sucks, they say. Yeah, it does, I say. And life goes on but still nothing happens. I've finally gotten to the point where I've given up the quest for information and have started to wonder if I should forget about it all and move on, and then I get this message on MySpace. What the hell indeed. Is the Universe never going to stop fucking with my heart?

*sigh* I don't know what else to say. Why do I bother...

Tags: brian

This Is How I'm Feeling: cynical

cynical

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